Parcel for Mr B Lou

On arriving home today I discovered that the postman had inadvisedly wedged a large package through a too small an orifice, the letterbox. However, that said the air of anticipation in the house was palpable and went someway to excusing "Posty" his misdemeanour.

I inspected the crumpled jiffy bag to determine who the lucky recipient was. Could it be more new undergarments, imported from Australia for Fillipa or could it be another new educational DVD imported from Holland also for Fillipa or was it for someone else.

The name on the package was:

Mr B Lou

and it came from the RSPB, yes it was Big Lou's membership pack. I wasted no time in gaining access to the contents of the package having decided not to hurt Big Lou's feelings by pointing out that his lack of opposable thumbs rendered him quite useless in the opening jiffy bag department. Obviously we do not include ripping with extended claws a satisfactory proposition.

By now, as I had already been in the house for in excess of 3 minutes 20 seconds Big Lou's patience was beginning to show signs of evaporating. Apparently he needed me to go into the kitchen, urgently, and get him some more of the brown crap we feed him on. Not known for his subtlety when it comes to food his purposeful marching between the living room and the kitchen door spoke volumes. Interestingly his keenness to maintain his newly defined "correct" figure is in marked contrast to Rez, who has taken to only eating on alternate Wednesday's. Even then it becomes a war of attrition to force a morsel into her lip-less mouth. Fillipa thinks she is trying to become the first size zero in the Village.

As Lou downed a light snack from his stainless steel dog bowl I spread the contents of his membership pack over the coffee table. It included:

• A nice letter from the RSPB thanking Mr Big Lou for his support and explaining how important his contribution to the conservation of birds is.
• A glossy brochure detailing all of the wildlife centres that Mr Big Lou can visit freely as one of the perks of his membership.
• A card with a picture of a Tawny Owl on the front with the words printed inside "To Big Lou; Congratulations on being the right size for your head". (The picture on the card was slightly troubling as Fillipa loathes Owls. We don't know why but she does, with a vengeance. Sometimes there is a man at the entrance to the Westgate Centre with a selection of Owls that he displays to the general public. When this occurs Fillipa has been known to abandon shopping and leave the City Centre by the quickest route and take refuge with Trotter).
• His very own membership card that is valid until July 2008. Rather splendidly it is in the name of Mr Big Lou, as it should be. There is also a guest pass that can be used by someone to accompany Big Lou on one of his visits.
• Finally, the free gift, The RSPB Handbook of British Birds, Second Edition by Peter Holden and Tim Cleeves.

From this mighty tome we have already learnt that there are over 1,000,000 members of the RSPB, 160,000 of whom are children and 1 cat.

At this point Big Lou returned from his "snack" flicked through the glossy paperback and confirmed that the birds who were regularly seen delving into our peanut peckers were clearly Blue Tits and not Great Tits. Lou then went on to state that the difference between Parus Caeruleus and Parus Major was obvious.