Tomorrow Rez has decided to dress, from head to foot, in black. It is to commemorate the second anniversary of the day she lost her brother, Charlie Fuckwit. As a mark of respect and deference to a higher being Big Lou will be supporting Rez in a similar black outfit.
Now Charlie was not blessed with the same degree of cunning or even common sense as his sister. However, we all loved him as did everyone who met him.
Rez and Charlie were inseparable from birth. When they first moved to Cuddesdon they spent hours curled up by the telephone, a mass of black and grey. It was clear from those early days that Rez was the sibling equipped with the power of reasoning and Charlie, well unfortunately, was not.
Due to his lack of processing power Charlie appeared fearless in his approach to the outside World. This often led to challenging situations. On one memorable occasion Charlie had gone up to Style Cottage to see if BC wanted to hit the Village green. BC had already gone out. Undeterred, Charlie strode in as if he owned the place and for some reason, still unknown to this day, Charlie decided to explore the upper floor of the cottage. On finding Straight Pilot Dan, a housemate of BC's, revising for his forthcoming pilots exam he decided to show-off his roof walking prowess and left the building by an upper floor window that had been left ajar in order to keep Straight Pilot Dan's wits in peak condition. What followed can only be described as a farce. Upon being alerted to Charlie's apparent plight the surrounding neighbours left their armchairs to encircle Style Cottage. People shouted at Charlie to encourage him to return through a window, but to no avail. They shouted at Straight Pilot Dan who remained in the cottage trying to tease Charlie back in with a piece of ham, but to no avail. This went on for what seemed like an eternity until, without warning or preamble, Charlie nonchalantly sauntered in through the bedroom window, walked downstairs and returned home. From the look on his face it was clear that he had no idea what the fuss was about. But that was him all over.
When Charlie was laid to rest his grave was surrounded by candles and love. Although the evening was bitterly cold his friends and family, who had gathered there at short notice, felt a glow in their hearts. This came from feeling privileged at being touched by such a special soul. To help dull the cruel practicalities of the proceedings a copious amount of mulled wine was served from a large copper vat. The whole village paused as the gathering said a sad goodbye to the sounds of "Forever Young" by Alphavile .......
Lets dance in style
Lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait
We're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best
But expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power
But we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit,
Life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man
Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising or leaders
We're getting in tune
the music's played by the madman
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever
Forever - and ever
Some are like water
Some are like the heat
Some are the melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later, they all will be gone
Why don't they stay young
Its so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth's like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We'll let them come true
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever
Forever - and ever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever
Forever - and ever
Rez will never forget..........
Wednesday 29 November 2006
Friday 17 November 2006
The Ring Master's Birthday
The Ring Master's birthday was a fairly low key affair. Under normal circumstances celebrations would begin on the 9th and continue until the 30th, the official "Birthday month". Unfortunately circumstances have conspired to reduce the disposable wedge to an all-time low. Billy surprised all by demanding another new tyre, a brake cable and a side light in order to gain an MOT.
On the bright side Fatface was able to come over and provided admirable support, including a candle-light rendition of "Happy Birthday to you". Big Lou and Rez felt disinclined to join in. It is a little known fact that cat's cannot blow candles out nor for that matter whistle. No lips. So the spectacle of a group "blowing-out" event was a little too much for their sensibilities. Fillipa polished off one of the individual chocolate cakes and felt very icky for the rest of the evening.
A highlight of the proceedings was the handmade Birthday card presented to The Ring Master by Fatface. The main motif was none other than Fing himself, in extreme closeup. Delicately placed glittery decorations set the whole piece off with an understated burst of pure pizzazz.
On the bright side Fatface was able to come over and provided admirable support, including a candle-light rendition of "Happy Birthday to you". Big Lou and Rez felt disinclined to join in. It is a little known fact that cat's cannot blow candles out nor for that matter whistle. No lips. So the spectacle of a group "blowing-out" event was a little too much for their sensibilities. Fillipa polished off one of the individual chocolate cakes and felt very icky for the rest of the evening.
A highlight of the proceedings was the handmade Birthday card presented to The Ring Master by Fatface. The main motif was none other than Fing himself, in extreme closeup. Delicately placed glittery decorations set the whole piece off with an understated burst of pure pizzazz.
Wednesday 15 November 2006
Fireworks and Felines
CAT POPULATION 48.75
SOUTH AFRICAN POPULATION 0
So here we are again, the fireworks have gone up with a whoosh and the bonfire remained, thankfully, un-pissed upon this year and burnt until dawn. Turnout appeared a little down on previous years and the duration was somewhat stinted. One of the more interesting attractions this year was the freakish little man from next door standing on the drive in her 1967 mods Parker coat, complete with rotten fur trim, now yellow and curling with age. For the duration of the display she stood, eyes wide with anticipation, with her hands clasped tightly over her tiny ears. The more observant on-looker could, if they concentrated hard enough, detect a tiny tremble in her frail frame as she silently mouthed "ooos" that mimicked the assembled crowd.
As the blue touch-paper was being, well touched, over the hill in the big city Fillipa was watching the South Parks display from a splendid and rather exclusive vantage point of the sixth floor of the JR. Assembled around his fully adjustable hospital bed were The Ring Master, and 2 close friends from the dark side. Fatface, a girl with the most fantastic views on life and an acute sense of the ridiculous. Sensitive yet also able laugh in the face of the crap that life can toss carelessly her way. Her long-suffering devotion to Trotter, her brain damaged dog, is the stuff of legend and may be explored further at a later date. Fillipa's other visitor was Edward. Some would say that a little Edward goes a long way whilst others may go as far as to say he is an acquired taste however his friends love him very much. He has recently gained local notoriety by winning the Drag night with his black wedding dress ensemble. My own view is that he looked far too close to Divine from the John Walter's films, a vision that can boarder the grotesque. His visit to the hospital to see Fillipa was the cause of much inappropriate hilarity, still if you can't laugh when those around you are puking incessantly and pissing themselves, literally, with impunity, then when can you. After the extravagance of the Firework display Edward, Fatface and The Ring Master stole a wheelchair and proceeded to break Fillipa out of the ward to purchase something more nutritious than the imaginary meal that had not been served to Fillipa for his tea.
Fillipa had been admitted to hospital on the Friday due to a particularly evil stomach upset that he had picked up from one of the vile creatures he looks after. Matters had taken on an alarming turn of events when he began to pass blood. Tests were carried out to identify the cause culminating in an endoscopic examination, or as I prefer to call it an other-endoscopic examination. Nothing was conclusive and he returned to the Village on Monday with dignity slightly dented and a feeling of slight violation.
Much activity has been heard around The Cottage, although visual reconnaissance is proving almost impossible due to the thickness of vegetation that now obscures the view. Furthermore certain paths, or should I say passages have now healed completely and provide no means of access to the footpath.
Indoor plants have appeared on both upstairs window sills, type not known, but would appear to be legal. The most significant event is that 2 tabby kittens have appeared and are assumed to be the residents of the cottage. They are both very friendly and playful. Rez hates them and spends much of her waking hours devising booby traps to set in the surrounding landscape. Whenever one of the new felines is sighted she emits a low frequency growl, designed it is assumed to strike fear into the hearts of any creature within hearing distance. I have to say it's not that convincing. Any actual skirmishes have, to date, been fairly low-key with neither side appearing to put any real effort into it. Big Lou, I have to report has not covered himself in glory. Upon seeing one of the interlopers his course of action is to get as low to the ground as possible, presumably to evade detection by radar, and run as fast as his truncated frame will carry him. Rez now refuses to include him in any of her plans for village domination.
SOUTH AFRICAN POPULATION 0
So here we are again, the fireworks have gone up with a whoosh and the bonfire remained, thankfully, un-pissed upon this year and burnt until dawn. Turnout appeared a little down on previous years and the duration was somewhat stinted. One of the more interesting attractions this year was the freakish little man from next door standing on the drive in her 1967 mods Parker coat, complete with rotten fur trim, now yellow and curling with age. For the duration of the display she stood, eyes wide with anticipation, with her hands clasped tightly over her tiny ears. The more observant on-looker could, if they concentrated hard enough, detect a tiny tremble in her frail frame as she silently mouthed "ooos" that mimicked the assembled crowd.
As the blue touch-paper was being, well touched, over the hill in the big city Fillipa was watching the South Parks display from a splendid and rather exclusive vantage point of the sixth floor of the JR. Assembled around his fully adjustable hospital bed were The Ring Master, and 2 close friends from the dark side. Fatface, a girl with the most fantastic views on life and an acute sense of the ridiculous. Sensitive yet also able laugh in the face of the crap that life can toss carelessly her way. Her long-suffering devotion to Trotter, her brain damaged dog, is the stuff of legend and may be explored further at a later date. Fillipa's other visitor was Edward. Some would say that a little Edward goes a long way whilst others may go as far as to say he is an acquired taste however his friends love him very much. He has recently gained local notoriety by winning the Drag night with his black wedding dress ensemble. My own view is that he looked far too close to Divine from the John Walter's films, a vision that can boarder the grotesque. His visit to the hospital to see Fillipa was the cause of much inappropriate hilarity, still if you can't laugh when those around you are puking incessantly and pissing themselves, literally, with impunity, then when can you. After the extravagance of the Firework display Edward, Fatface and The Ring Master stole a wheelchair and proceeded to break Fillipa out of the ward to purchase something more nutritious than the imaginary meal that had not been served to Fillipa for his tea.
Fillipa had been admitted to hospital on the Friday due to a particularly evil stomach upset that he had picked up from one of the vile creatures he looks after. Matters had taken on an alarming turn of events when he began to pass blood. Tests were carried out to identify the cause culminating in an endoscopic examination, or as I prefer to call it an other-endoscopic examination. Nothing was conclusive and he returned to the Village on Monday with dignity slightly dented and a feeling of slight violation.
Much activity has been heard around The Cottage, although visual reconnaissance is proving almost impossible due to the thickness of vegetation that now obscures the view. Furthermore certain paths, or should I say passages have now healed completely and provide no means of access to the footpath.
Indoor plants have appeared on both upstairs window sills, type not known, but would appear to be legal. The most significant event is that 2 tabby kittens have appeared and are assumed to be the residents of the cottage. They are both very friendly and playful. Rez hates them and spends much of her waking hours devising booby traps to set in the surrounding landscape. Whenever one of the new felines is sighted she emits a low frequency growl, designed it is assumed to strike fear into the hearts of any creature within hearing distance. I have to say it's not that convincing. Any actual skirmishes have, to date, been fairly low-key with neither side appearing to put any real effort into it. Big Lou, I have to report has not covered himself in glory. Upon seeing one of the interlopers his course of action is to get as low to the ground as possible, presumably to evade detection by radar, and run as fast as his truncated frame will carry him. Rez now refuses to include him in any of her plans for village domination.
And so it begins............
This is the story of a small Oxfordshire Village and a selection of its fine residents. Names may have been changed to protect the guilty and the line between fact and fiction blurred but at its heart will be a story of Village life camp shenanigans and irreverent observations.
Welcome to our World!
Welcome to our World!
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